Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How to deal with ex wife wanting boyfriend back?

I have a boyfriend/fiance who has been divorced for about 6 months. The almost divorced several years ago too. His ex wants to make our life hell, she uses the grown children to play on my fiancees guilt buttons. Now she says she wants him back and wants to know what I do that makes him so happy. Can you tell me how to deal with the insanity? My fiance just wants to keep the peace and has tried to tell her numerous times he doesn't want her back.How to deal with ex wife wanting boyfriend back?
First of all, to everyone who's saying he's on the rebound, just because he's been divorced only six months doesn't mean that that's when they broke up. Divorces can take 2, 3, 4 even more years to happen after the initial seperation. Many seperated people start dating once the divorce proceedings start and get engaged as soon as it's legal to be remarried.





This woman sounds unstable. I'm with the ones who say change your number. If she comes around, record everything, every harrassing call or unannounced visit. Go to the courts and see what you need for a restraining order. In many cases this doesn't deter persistent or crazy stalkers but it might scare her off. I'm sure her acting complete loonie tunes doesn't really appeal to your fiance and you probably don't have to worry about him rushing back into her arms.





I dated a guy who had lived with a girl and had one child. After they split she figured out who he was dating, looked her up and asked her a hundred questions on the phone. For this reason he never told her anything about me (she asked). I was never serious about the guy, and the ex was a definite deterrant.





Divorces can mess a person up and perhaps she has a low self-esteem and can't stand to see her ex husband happy without her. So she's trying to make you both unhappy. Hopefully she will find someone else to unleash her madness on and give you some peace.How to deal with ex wife wanting boyfriend back?
They all say they don't want the ex back but if she talks about the relationship and her feelings that means in some way he is contributing to that and engages in the subject whether he tells you or not.


I have a similar situation going on and recently found out my boyfriend even met his wife a few times (while being with me), and they've also been having phone conversations.


I think he might be leading her on in some way. I still don't understand the dynamics of the break up and recovery totally but it can be painful for the new partner though.


The difference with my situation is your guy has children and mine doesn't have children with the ex.


Mine has not reason to be in touch with his ex , while your guy


does. But then he should limit the conversations with her just to that.
It's awful when one spouse cannot let go and move on. It is up to your boyfriend to tell his ex wife where she fits into his life. In the meantime, you can explain how her behavior makes you feel and perhaps the two of you can find a way together to work through this. It is still a transitional period of sorts and his ex apparently doesn't know how to do divorce.





At any rate, your boyfriend has to man up at some point and not let his ex maintain a place in your relationship. If he allows her to use the grown children to guilt him into furthering her agenda or whatever she does to make his life (and yours) a living hell, then he has a problem, too and may have some letting go issues himself.
It sounds like the ex wife needs to get over herself and move on in her own personal life. As far as the grown children they are adults and now he can relate to them without the mothers involvement. Dad needs to set his own rules in relationship to them about their mother and not accept the ex wife behaving like a martyr. It's understandable for Dad to keep the peace to a certain point for the family but not at the expense of his own sanity and causing stress in your relationship to him. Your fiance needs to avoid his ex at all cost and not even try to convince her about anything because the divorce is over and that relationship is said and done with. If the adult children are having a problem with their mother then they need to advise her to get counseling and go with her if they need it to?
Unfortunately, your fiance is the one that needs to deal with his ex. Don't allow her childish antics to get to you because that is undoubtedly what she is hoping for. As long as you show her in anyway that she can cause trouble for both of you she will continue to do so. Your fiance also, needs to speak to his children %26amp; make them understand that things did not work out with there mother %26amp; him, they are now divorced %26amp; he is going to marry you. If they are grown they will learn to except what is %26amp; stop allowing their mother to minipulate them into doing her dirty work for her. I hope that things get better for you soon- it would be a shame to start a new life with each other with this thorn in your side. Take care!
Well if your fiance says he doesn't want to be with her, just trust him. He must really not want to be with her after going through an entire divorce which could take anywhere from three months to a year, then staying away from her for 6 months now. If he doesn't want her after all this time, she will do better trying to find a needle in a hay stack. You should not worry, and do not speak to her. If she wants to know how you make him happy, just tell her ';I make him happy by not being like you, B****.'; That should hold her tight.
It's just another power play. She uses the kids and now she is using him to do you. I don't think trying to be understanding is the answer.





Either your boyfriend/fiance is serious about you or he isn't. Unfortunately, when you get involved with an ';ex'; you also end up marrying into their problems, including their ';ex'; problems.





He needs to get her straight with a face to face talk and tell her it is over with and that is final...and you have nothing to do with her. If she can't mind her own business, then maybe you should consider harrassment charges. This might turn your bf off, but then, you will know where you stand with things.





I think you shouldn't have to put up with the nonsense, and if it continues, I would seriously consider NOT marrying him.
This may not be what you want to hear but if you are having issues like this now while you are not married........just imagine what it will be like when you do get married. This woman will never be out of his life if there are children involved. When you say grown children (are they adults?) That part confuses me. If this woman is acting insane, there is nothing you can do to change that. The only thing you can control is your behaviour towards her. And what makes it even harder is that it really isn't even you that needs to deal with her, it's your fiance that needs to do the dealing. And you have to ask yourself if he is doing what is right by you? If he is, there is nothing else you can do. You can decide what is in your life and if this is something that you don't want in your life, than you need to look a little closer at what you are doing with this person.
Sadly, many women play this games with their exs and in the end it's the children who end up getting hurt the worst. Children are not pawns in a game, but most of the time that is how they are used. Children should never be used as a tool against the other parent. I find this to be the lowest thing that someone could ever do to another. Have your boyfriend go to court and get visitation rights that the mother CAN'T say no to. If it's court ordered then she has to obey those visitation rights. Other then that I would try to keep contact with the mother to a minimum. Unless it involves the children then it is not to be discussed with the her. Giving her extra information about his and your life will only fuel the fire.
If he doesn't want her in his life then he needs to tell her again, change his phonenumber, get a restraining order or file stalking charges.Tell her that the way you keep a man is to treat him with love AND respect.


You have only been with this guy 6 months.You know very little about him.If he decides to go back to his ex you cannot stop him.You are sounding like an insecure little 13 yr old hon.Listen to your own question.I can hear the fear in it.You are afraid he is going back to her.If he is so weak minded that he'd go back to a bad relationship, then let him go, why would you want someone who is emotionally and mentally sick?You cannot change or fix him.Let time do it's thing and be willing to accept whatever happenes YET IF he stays with you,the ex will be a part of your life 'til death do you part.
well being a woman there is so much you can handle, let him try to handle it and if that don't work then u need to let her know that yall together and she needs to get on with her life. also you can be a little mean and say maybe there something I'm giving him that you couldn't do and let her know that he will always be there for his children. but she needs to get a life and enjoy it cause you are loving your life and you are happy. don't let her get to you just keep your mind, body, and soul happy and it will all play it course.
I am in the same situation, except that we got married and his kids are minors that live with us, she has tried everything from ';befriending me'; to telling him I am having a bad effect on the kids to opening fraudulent case of child abuse against me. THe most workable solution we came to was this: He does not speak to her at all, we dont answer her calls or respond to messages, she has rights of access so she fetches the kids from school on the friday and takes them back to school on the monday we then collect them from school this way we dont see her. She is not allowed on or near or property or place of work and we had this incorporated in a court order as she was harassing/ stalking my husband and tried to ram our gates down to get to him.





CLEAN CUT BOUNDRIES NO COMMUNICATION. anything you or your fiance say or do will be used against you. If the kids try to talk about it he must simply state that he does not want to hear about her. Hope this helps
You don't have to deal with her. But if you are going to continue to talk to her you are letting her control you and push your buttons.





He doesn't have any reason to have contact with her if the children are grown. He needs to sit them down and firmly tell them that he loves them very much, he is not going back to her, and that it is time to cut all attachments from their mom unless there is some emergency involving one of them.





He needs to get a backbone and tell her the same thing. As long as she has any contact with him he will never be able to let her go.





You need to stop talking to her altogether. If she calls looking for him take a message and hang up. Or check caller ID and if its her let the machine pick up so she can leave him a message. She will get the idea.
He could always tell his ex that what you do to make him so happy is to never play games with him or use his children to get what you want.





As much as he would like to keep the peace with his ex, that is never going to happen when she wants him back and she is willing to use and hurt their children to get what she wants.





Your boyfriend is going to have to be very honest and direct with his ex. He will have to say to her, we have children together and I would like us to try to get a long with each other for our children's sake, but you have to accept the fact that our marriage is OVER. I don't love you anymore, I love someone else and we plan to get married some day. I only wish the best for you and I truly hope you will find some one in the near future to love and spend your life with too. I don't love you any more, but I do care and want you to be happy.





He might have to sit his children down and explain this same thing to them and hope they will understand and try not to allow their mother to put them in the middle and take sides, because this problem is between him and their mother and he doesn't want them to get hurt or feel they need to take sides.





It always saddens me to see how some women will only think of themselves and use their children to either hold on to the children's father or to use them as a weapon to get even with him. No woman who truly loves her children would ever do this to them. That's not love!
Kill her! LOL! Just playing! Well now it's the chance to back out of the relationship with him, who knows it may always be like this. Besides he has only been divorced for 6 months and already engaged to you that tells you something about him, the minute he leaves you he will bounce back immediately. If I were you I wouldn't date divorced men, especially divorced men with children, the other woman will always be in his life, she is not only his first love, she is also the mother of his children
If his children are grown then there is absolutely NO REASON for you to be talking to her. It's not like you have to have some sort of relationship with her ';for the sake of the children';, because the ';children'; are now adults, as you say.





If I were you, I would cease communication with her immediately. She sounds very manipulative and unstable, and besides YOU DON'T OWE HER ANYTHING, much less any information on what you ';do'; to make the man you both love ';happy';.





Sheesh.
Ouch, tough situation. If you love him, you'll help him through this. Especially if he loves and needs his kids. I cannot imagine being estranged from my kids, they are an intricate part of me. However, I would feel worse than awful if my fiance were to have to be a part of my divorce nightmare, too.





Your fiance is most likely in hell. Stick by him, be kind to his kids, and ignore his ex. Do not lecture him, or try to guide him. Just tell him how you feel: sad, scared, threatened. No details, no blame, no name-calling of the ex.





For the ex: Do not give her the time of day in private. Do not say anything but niceties in front of others, especially the kids. Find your own acceptable release to let go of your frustrations, like running or writing it all down.





In time, with no one responding to her, she'll leave you all alone and go bother some other victim. Don't be her victim.
You have got to put your foot down harder, he obviously does not want to be so hard on her, a lot of men are afraid of confrontation, and they do not want to make things as worse as they really are.





But now is the time for you to really communicate with him and tell him this is really bugging you and it is really a hard pill for you to swallow, he has to tell her that this is causing stress on you and your boyfriend, if he has to, tell him to get down and dirty with her and fight fire with fire, if he really loves you, he will do this for you.





He is only your boyfriend, so if he is not taking this seriously, then dump him, it is not like you are married, why dedicate your life to someone who has no backbone, and who will not stand up for you????





You deserve better, I think.
either put a restraining order on this so called 'insanity' or tell her to move on with her life and to stop interfering in other ppl's affair saying that she cannot use the grown children to play on your financees guilt buttons as it will not work because he doesn't want her back pffts jks but ya know, just know that your finances loves you not his ex wife he'll work it out let him take care of that business you have nothing to lose if you put the trust on him and let this business be in the care of your finances hands and know that he'll never leave you for his ex wife, the chances are, everything will be alright and the ex wife will leave you two alone in peace she is just in the divorce phase
If you think he is worth it stick with it. We all like things that is familiar. She is no different. How many times has something seemed more attractive when its out of reach. They obviously loved each other very much but now he is with you.





She will make your life hell because she is not happy in her own relationship.





Try to focus on yourself and not on her. Else it will feel like you have an elephant in the room every time you are with him. Limit the time you both spend talking about her.





Give it time. You may decide to walk if you have enough. It could be a completely different reason that ends your relationship. Everyone feels disappointed when a marriage breaks down, its the failure aspect.





He has made a decision to be with you. Focus on that and


look after YOU. Dont focus on her. She is his problem xx
We have a lot in common. My boyfriend/fiance is recently divorced, his ex did the same thing with his GROWN children. She hurt her children trying to get him back. To this day I wonder what was really said and done between the two of them. I will never know the truth.





I let him make the decision on who he was happier with. And I had to make the decision to stay or leave. I couldn't deal with the constant harassment, and lies.





If he really loves, and respects you, then he wouldn't allow his ex to put the two of you into this situation. So. put your foot down. Don't allow this to take over.





His relationship with the kids should be between him and his kids. His ex shouldn't have anything to say about it.
Honestly, I would feel uneasy because he has only been divorced for 6 months. But I would keep that to myself and see how he deals with it. Just listen to what he says and offer suggestions. His ex is having trouble accepting the divorce and it will take time for her to calm down and move on and out of your lives. Keep in mind that they have grown children together, so I am assuming they were married for a long time. She will move on providing that is what your husband wants. Sure sounds like it because he is now married to you! Hang in there, it will get better.
It is hard, but the best thing that you can do is to stay out of it. Let your fiance's handle it. The children will notice if you get in the middle of it, kindness is the best kind of revenge. It always bothered me when I was mad at someone and they were sooo nice to me, I realized how smart it was, now when i'm mad at someone usually I will ';get em'; back by using kindness....drives em' crazy! but yes, you should stay out of it, and let your fiance and his ex handle this.
Well you are dealing with mentally retarded. But you have to know she have her right and she can want what ever that she think she want. You fiance is the one should know what he want.you don't want to do any thing to leading into an argument between you two.


If i was you, I keep the ignore the B and find the peace between you two.


But let him know, I am a selfish *****, i am not sharing you with any one. I understand you have children with her but i don't want her in our life.
The BEST thing you can do is to be the best fiancee and soon wife as you can be. dont talk crap about the ex, that'll just add to your fiancee's stress. be the one person in his life that brings him positive energy, happiness and good experiences.





You have to stay out of that drama, dont listen to any stories about the ex because that'll give you unneeded stress as well. stress brings worry which brings wrinkles, rashes and pimples. be worry free and look beautiful inside and out.





i know this is irritating but pretty soon it will become a distant blip in your radar. good luck!!
Be everything to him that she wasn't. If she is nagging be as sweet as she is a shrew. Sounds like she only wants him because someone else wants him. She had her chance so don't tell her anything that would give her any edge over you. If the children are grown, he should let the ex go completely. Deal with the children directly since they are grown. Leave the ex out of it. Try changing your number if she harasses you so much. Maybe only give the kids a cell phone number not the home phone?


It won't be easy but don't let her bait you into a confrontation. If she tries simply tell her ';my relationship with __ is none of your concern. You might Even tell her to only call if it regards the kids and not to call otherwise. If the kids are grown why is she calling anyway?





If she won't stop file a restraining order to stop her harassment.
A case of a woman scorned and you are right in the middle of it. I wonder why they got divorced to begin with.


You don't have to deal with this: Tell your man that it is his job to stop the insanity ....see what he does, after - if nothing stops and she still interferes with you, get a restraining order, I think you have a plausible reason for that. Maybe this woman doesn't want her ex(your new man) back, it sounds like she tries to ruin the good thing that you two have now.
You wouldn't believe it if I told you how many people go through this kind of thing. It happened and still happens with my husbands ex wife. There are several things happening here, one is called parent alienation syndrome, read about it...it will help you understand. The other is a phenomena that occurs when the ex sees the new woman happy and having a great time with her ex husband...jealousy....she has not been able to move on and is angry that he is happy and she is not....she sees your life as one that should be hers and isn't. Some of these women just can't let go, they won't allow themselves to separate themselves from the one they used to be married to and feel that they have some form of ownership rights. The best thing to do is to let him deal with her, however what I have begun doing is sending an email to her from time to time when she is beating him up over - let's say what I spent MY money on. Let her know you are not a part of her life, that your life and what you do is none of her business...that you know what she is saying and that while you do not care, that you intend for her to know that petty games do not make a difference in your life with your honey. Don't go back and forth with the emails, make your statement, keep it very formal and do not reply when she sends a nasty one back. This has helped things here.
It sounds stressful but your boyfriend will have to man up and handle this one. Be supportive of his decision but you cant change the way he deals with it. This is a great opportunity to see him in a time of crisis and how he handles it. If he is wishy washy and cant take a stand then ask yourself is this the man you want to be with. Also ask yourself if there is any left over feelings he might have for her. They have been divorced for a very short time. I would look at this situation as a huge learning experience about your soon to be husband.
Until you are married to him, just let him deal with her. He should just tell her there is no reason for them to be in any contact. I hope you're not living with him, you haven't known him all that long, but you're engaged already? Are you sure you're not the rebound girl? If his children are adults, why would they allow their mother to torture their father? Don't allow his ex to bother you, ignore her. If you are in a public place together by any chance, just smile and kill her with kindness. Be better than she is. She's just bitter and jealous.
I wouldn't talk with her as a friend...it sounds like she wants to use your words against you to get him back. If there is no reason to talk with her then don't. Why not block her number(s), don't answer any private number phone calls(screen your calls). It really sounds like your fiance needs to tell her to back off. I know you said he told her he doesn't want her back. He should tell the kids to stay out of it. They don't have anything to do with the dynamics of the relationship of their parents. With or without their parents being together, the kids will have relationships with their mom and dad the way they will have the relationship. They have to support the choices your fiance has made by deciding to be with you because your important to him.





Basically it's in his ball court. You have to be there for him. If he doesn't support you then you should consider how the rest of your life will be like. Maybe move on...you have to be strong for yourself.

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